My Friend Melatonin

Ugh. Desperation.

Winter is the worst time for me. Some people with DSPS say that long summer days cause them to drift, but for me it's the lack of sunlight in the winter that wreaks havoc on my life. My "normal" pattern of sleeping at 1:00 or 2:00 and waking at 9:00 or 10:00 drifts to sleeping at 3:30 or 4:00 and waking as late as 12 or 1:00. These days, I have to set an alarm clock in order to wake up in time for a lunch meeting.

Worse yet, I've been working on a project where morning fieldwork is an absolute necessity, so I've been getting up as early as 5:00 or 6:00 some days. In fact, one day I just didn't bother to sleep at all. By the time the clock hit 4:00, it didn't make any sense to set my alarm clock for 5:15. Why bother? I hoped it would bump my sleep time forward the next day, that I would be so exhausted that I'd crash early, but no such luck. I should know better by now. It's just not that simple.

My greatest fear is for my career. I work for myself now - my former company could no longer employ me full-time once I inconveniently got very sick at a time that was bad for them - so I struck out on my own. I'm sure that early hours for weeks on end had a big part to play in my immune system crashing, but no matter. It crashed, I crashed, and I've spent the last couple of months recovering with herbal therapy and a (mostly) macrobiotic diet. All better now! But I'm done relying on anyone else when it comes to my own health and wellness.

I worked full-time throughout the whole recovery process, and nobody even knew I was that sick until it was over. (Okay, so I slacked on posting here, but something had to give.) I have plenty of work, plenty of clients, and things are going very well. Still, I worry. In addition to early morning fieldwork, crossing time zones is a challenging part of my career and I have to do it regularly. Right now, there is no way around it. Imagine what it's like to have a body that won't fall asleep before 4:00am PST when you have to wake up at 6:00am EST. Do the math. Quite frankly, I don't ever see a viable situation where I can stay in one time zone, keep a stable sleep schedule, and sleep the way my body needs to sleep. That's just not what I do for a living. I travel. It's part of the deal.

And yet, I'm not quite ready to choose between my hard earned career and my health. I keep thinking that there must be a way to have both.

I've always been opposed to long-term melatonin therapy. I hate the thought of having to put something in my body every single day of my life to manipulate its natural processes in order to adjust to artifically constructed social processes. There isn't anything wrong with my sleep pattern. There isn't anything dangerous about it. There isn't anything that hurts me physically when I sleep the way that I am biologically designed to sleep.

But socially? It's devastating. If I don't artifically manipulate my sleep pattern, I could very well lose everything that I have. It doesn't seem right, but it IS. I probably should have become a bartender rather than an ethnographer, but it's too late now. I am what I am.

So it's back to the melatonin. I'm going to have to give it a try again, even though it hasn't worked for me in the past. I've read new information on dosage and timing and I have hope that this time will be different. I'm trying a slightly different dosing schedule. It's only one of a million theories about when you should take it, but hey, it's worth a shot.

I took my first .3mg dose at 7pm tonight, hoping to adjust my sleep pattern back to 1:00 or 2:00am. That's still a rough schedule for work, but I know that expecting an adjustment of more than a couple of hours is setting the bar too high. I'll be happy with what I can get for now. We'll see. If it does work, I will have to take it religiously every day. Circadian rhythm disorders are notoriously hard to manage, and slipping off any program that seems to be working - even for one day - tends to send you all the way back to the beginning. Your body wants to do what it's designed to do, and it will fight to get back to "normal."

I'm so tired of fighting it back. I really am. :-(